You Can Heal Yourself

Hamer's Biological Law #5:

Hamer’s fifth biological law merely restates his premise that every degenerative condition is part of an SBS created to assist the organism in resolving or healing a conflict/shock at the biological level. He summarizes this law as follows: 

“Blinded, we brought upon ourselves this senseless, soulless and brutal medicine. Full of wonder, we can now understand for the first time that Nature is orderly (we already knew that), and every occurrence in nature is meaningful, even in the framework of the whole, and that the events we call diseases are not senseless disturbances to be repaired by sorcerer’s apprentices. We can see that nothing is meaningless, malignant or diseased.” (Markolin, 2010, p. 37)

This statement is completely aligned with the principles and philosophy of our Developmental Process Work and Developmental Systems Theory (Weinhold & Weinhold, 2010). We believe, like Hamer, that the mindbody has a tremendous capacity to heal itself if provided with the tools to do so. 

We train DPW therapist to offer these tools to clients who are interested in healing previously unrecognized and unhealed developmental shocks, traumas and stresses. 

References: 

Markolin, C. (2010). New German Medicine. Retrieved from: http://learninggnm.com/documents/gnm_articles___introduction.html

Weinhold, J. & B. Weinhold (2010). Healing developmental trauma: A systems approach for counseling individuals, couples and families. Denver, CO: Love.

Hamer's Biological Law #4: The Role of Microbes in Healing

Hamer’s fourth biological law describes how microbes help heal the effects of an SBS on body organs and tissues. He applies this law through each of the three germ layers. 

The endoderm and old-brain mesoderm produce fungi and TB bacteria. During the healing phase, fungi such as Candida Albicans or TB bacteria help decompose the cells that served a biological purpose during the conflict active phase. During this decomposition process, the remnants of the microbial healing process are eliminated through the stool (colon-SBS), the urine (kidney-SBS, prostate-SBS), and the lungs, (lung-SBS). 

They are typically accompanied with night sweats, discharge (potentially mixed with blood), swelling, inflammation, fever, and pain. These are typically misdiagnosed as infections.

Bacteria (but not TB bacteria) support organs and tissues controlled by the new brain and cerebral cortex. During the healing phase, Hamer says that these bacteria help refill and replenish the tissue lost during the conflict active phase. These bacteria include staphylococcus and streptococcus that help rebuild bone tissue and replenish cells. 

Should these bacteria be absent because of overuse of antibiotics, Hamer says that the healing will still happen, but not at the biological optimum. He also insists that microbes do not cause degenerative conditions, but rather play a beneficial role in the healing phase. He states that this makes the concept of the immune system meaningless and discounts the common premise that it is the primary defense against degenerative conditions.

Hamer's Biological Law #3: The Pattern That Connects

Hamer states that whether or not the body organ or tissue responds to the related conflict with cell proliferation or with tissue loss is predetermined by a biological pattern that correlates with the evolutionary development of the human brain. This is the core of his third biological law. 

This law shows the correlation between the psychological conflict/shock, the brain and the organs or tissues within the context of the embryonic (ontogenetic) and evolutionary (phylogenetic) development of the human organism.  This law also shows that the location of the HH in the brain and the cell proliferation or tissue loss following a DHS are not accidental, but are connected to three separate germ layers that follow a genetic plan of human development.

These three germ layers are the endoderm, the mesoderm, and the ectoderm. This is based on the basic biological principle that “ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.” Hamer was able to show that some organs, such as the colon, are derived from only one germ layer. Others, such as the heart, liver, pancreas, and the bladder, are derived from multiple germ layers, which are controlled by widely separated parts of the brain. He calls these morsel conflicts. 

Figuratively they translate into conflicts involving not being able to contact a person; encountering an offending remark that is difficult to digest; encountering things that are not possible to possess, things that were lost or taken away, or things that we can’t get rid of. 

In addition, this part of the old brain is connected to conflict/shocks such as life-threatening conflicts; those dealing with loud, annoying noise; feeling excluded in some way; having to flee your home; having an unexpected hospitalization; and experiencing ugly conflicts with the opposite gender.

Conflict/shocks linked to endoderm tissues involve the lungs, the organs of the alimentary canal, the prostate, and the uterus. Conflict/shocks linked to the old brain mesoderm include the skin, the breast glands, the lining of the abdominal cavity and abdominal organs, and the skin that covers the heart. In the mesoderm tissues, the issue of laterality has to be taken into account because of the crossover correlation from the brain to the organ. For example, a right-handed woman with a conflict with her child would have her right hemisphere affected and her left breast would show the tissue damage in the conflict active phase. 

Conflict/shocks that are derived from the new brain mesoderm involve the bones, cartilage, tendons and ligaments, connective tissue, fat tissue, the lymphatic system, blood vessels muscles, the striated heart muscle, the adrenal cortex, the kidneys, the spleen, the ovaries, and the testicles. 

Hamer found that conflicts linked to the new brain mesoderm tissues relate predominately to “self-devaluation conflicts” such as the failure to perform a task, failing an exam, being put down or demeaned by somebody, the profound loss of a loved one (including a pet), a near drowning incident, making a wrong decision, an injury involving heavy bleeding, or feeling completely overwhelmed. 

If something blocks the completion of the process in the healing phase, the person might develop symptoms that are mistakenly diagnosed as lymphoma, adrenal cancer, osteosarcoma, ovarian cancer, testicular cancer, or leukemia. If the healing process is interrupted by reenactments of the original conflict/shock, chronic conditions such as varicose veins, arthritis, or spleen enlargement may appear. 

The ectoderm or third germ layer, controlled by the cerebral cortex, connects to the second or epithelial skin found in the mouth, the rectum, and the lining of certain organs. The kinds of conflict/shocks that correlate to this germ layer involve:

•  sexual rejection or frustration, 
• not feeling like you belong, a fright or scare within your home, 
• fear of losing your home or actual loss of it, 
• a fear of getting angry, 
• feeling stuck or not being able to escape something dreaded, 
• a fear of heading in a dangerous direction, 
• a fear of being threatened from behind, 
• and other conflict/shocks involving the sensory system. 

Hamer also recognizes the importance of laterality and gender in the ectoderm or third germ layer in his paradigm. For example, a left-handed man with a separation conflict with his mother will be affected in the left hemisphere and that will manifest as a skin rash on the right side of the body during the healing phase.

During the healing phase certain so-called “cancers” may appear that involve the breast, bronchial system, larynx, cervix, and non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Chronic conditions such as skin rashes, hemorrhoids, colds, bronchitis, laryngitis, jaundice, hepatitis, cataracts, goiters, hypoglycemia, diabetes, visual and hearing impairments, and sensory-motor paralysis may occur because reenactments of the original conflict/shock disrupt the healing process. 

According to Hamer, all of these conditions will eventually clear when the conflict-healing phase is complete, and any hanging conflicts due to reenactments of the original conflict are healed.

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Reference

Markolin, C. (2010). New German Medicine. Retrieved from: http://learninggnm.com/documents/gnm_articles___introduction.html

Hamer's Biological Law #2: The Two Phases of Healing

Hamer’s second biological law describes two phases to the whole SBS process, provided the conflict is resolved. The first phase he calls the conflict active phase and the other the conflict healing phase. Interestingly, he found that the conflict active phase can cause cell proliferation in the organ if that is needed to facilitate the healing of the effects of the conflict/shock on the organ or tissues. 

If less tissue is needed to assist in healing the effects of the conflict/shock, the organ or tissue affected will produce a cell reduction or meltdown. According to Hamer, each of these natural healing responses is mistakenly diagnosed as a symptom of cancer.

Hamer found when the conflict active phase begins and the person becomes aware of the conflict, the normal day/night rhythm is instantly interrupted in a way that affects the whole organism. It throws the autonomic nervous system into a hypervigilant state leading to sleeplessness, lack or appetite, a fast heartbeat, elevated blood pressure, low blood sugar, and nausea. 

This state also causes the blood vessels to constrict, which leads to cold hands and feet, a cold skin, chills, shivers, or cold sweats.

At the brain level, the concentric rings form and become sharply visible on a CT scan. At the organ or tissue level, signals from the brain either create a proliferation of new cells or a cell meltdown that follows the evolutionary development of the human brain. All organs and tissues controlled from the Old Brain (brain stem and cerebellum), such as the colon, the lungs, the liver, the kidneys, or the breast glands always experience a cell proliferation or tumor growth. 

Organs and tissues controlled from the cerebrum (cerebral medulla and cerebral cortex) such as the bones, lymph nodes, ovaries, testicles, or the epidermis of the skin, always experience tissue loss.  As the conflict active phase advances, so do the symptoms described above.

In the conflict-healing phase, the person feels a great relief from the stress of the conflict/shock. The autonomic nervous system switches into a calming stage where the person feels tired but has a good appetite. Rest and a healthy diet help the healing and repair process. 

At the brain level, water and brain fluids are drawn to the related brain area, creating some edema in order to protect the brain tissue during the repair process. This may cause temporary symptoms such as headaches, dizziness, or blurry vision.

The conflict-healing phase is composed of two parts. First, the individual returns briefly to a state resembling the conflict active phase with symptoms of nervousness, cold sweats, shivers, and nausea, and the swelling of the organ reaches its maximum. This is followed by a release of the fluids through urinary excretion. 

The second part of the healing phase shows up in the brain with the appearance of new brain tissue to assist with the repair process, and the tumors in the organs or tissues slowly degrade. Then the HH changes into a white ring configuration on a brain scan. According to Hamer, many people are misdiagnosed and mistakenly treated for a reoccurrence of their cancer during this part of the healing phase.

The tumors related to the old brain that developed during the conflict active phase decompose with the help of microbes such as fungi or TB bacteria. If these microbes are not available, the tumor stays in place, but no further cell division occurs. The cerebrum controlled tissue loss that occurred during the conflict active phase gradually replenishes and refills with new cells. 

This process occurs in both parts of the conflict-healing phase.  If there is a reenactment of the conflict/shock during this conflict-healing phase, it will prolong or abort the healing and repair process, leaving the organ or tissue not completely healed. 

In addition, Hamer says that chemotherapy or radiation treatments will interrupt the natural healing process even if the conflict is resolved.

Hamer refers to a “hanging healing” as a situation where the healing cannot be completed because of repeated relapses of the conflict/shock. We would call this a repeated reenactment of the original conflict/shock.

 He also uses the term tracks to describe the group of trauma-based sensory cues that we call triggers. EMDR therapists refer to them as memory components and Gestalt therapists use the term gestalt to indicate a unified group of elements.  

These tracks/triggers/gestalts/memory components contains a unique group of sensory, situational, and relational components that relate to the original conflict situation such as the location, weather conditions, relational dynamics, sounds or smells, and so forth. 

If a person is in the healing phase and a track/cue/trigger associated with the original conflict/shock gets activated, the conflict–organ related symptoms immediately reemerge. This reactivation might cause symptoms of a common cold, night sweats, skin rash, asthma attack, or diarrhea. 

The function of a track or trigger is to serve as a warning signal to avoid the same events that relate in some way to the original conflict/shock.

Hamer suggests that recurring symptoms such colds, asthma attacks, migraines, skin rashes, seizures, hemorrhoids, bladder infections, or other chronic conditions indicates that the conflict/shock has not been resolved and likely is being interrupted by repeated reenactments or the original conflict/shock.  

According to Hamer, these reenactments can create chronic conditions such as arteriosclerosis, arthritis, Parkinson’s, Multiple Sclerosis, Crohn’s disease, and ulcerative colitis.

The key to truly healing these conflict/shocks is reconstructing the original conflict/shock event and clearly and precisely identifying all of the significant tracks or sensory, situational, or relational triggers contained in the original event. This is also a primary goal of our DPW clinical approach for treating developmental shock, trauma or stress.

In Chapter 9 of our book, Healing Developmental Trauma,  we describe in more detail how DPW therapists help their clients reconstruct original incidents involving unhealed developmental shock, trauma or stress and all the potential triggers (or hot spots), and then use the TET protocol and other DPW interventions to help heal them.

Once this is done, the client no longer gets triggered into reenacting the original developmental conflict/shock. If a client gets triggered into a reenactment of the original developmental conflict/shock, it means that the therapist and the client have not yet identified and healed all of the tracks or triggers contained in the original conflict/shock situation.     

References

Markolin, C. (2010). New German Medicine. Retrieved from: http://learninggnm.com/documents/gnm_articles___introduction.html

Weinhold, J. & B. Weinhold (2010). Healing developmental trauma: A systems approach for counseling individuals, couples and families. Denver, CO: Love.

Hamer's Biological Law #1: A Redefinition of Disease

Dr. Ryke Hamer founded German New Medicine after extensive research and a therapeutic practice as an oncologist dating back to 1979. His paradigm contains Five Biological Laws that he claims totally invalidate the concept of “diseases.”

The First Biological Law: A Redefinition of Disease. 

In his first law Hamer redefines diseases as “Significant Biological Special Programs of Nature”  (SBS) created specifically by the body to assist an individual who has experienced an unexpected, highly acute conflict/shock or DHS. That shock is registered immediately in the psyche, the brain, and the corresponding organ connected to that part of the brain.

Through CT scans Hamer determined that the impact of the unexpected conflict/shock immediately creates sharp concentric rings in a very specific and predetermined area of the brain he calls the Hamer Focus or HH. 

The exact location and the size of the HH in the brain are determined by the nature and intensity of the conflict. The exact location of the HH in the brain is determined by a person’s perceptions and feelings that are related to the unexpected conflict/shock. 

The moment the conflict/shock happens, a signal is sent to the organ or tissue that is connected to that part of the brain and an SBS is created to protect this organ or tissue from the possible effects of the conflict/shock. 

Hamer also discovered that a single biological conflict/shock can have multiple elements that impact more than one brain area and consequently different organs or tissues. Western or allopathic medicine mistakenly refers to this multiple impact phenomenon as metastasis.

Dr. Ryke Hamer's Research Findings

After 20 years of research and therapy with over 31,000 patients, Dr. Ryke Hamer finally established firmly, logically, and empirically how a physical or emotional event involving a biological-conflict-shock results in what traditional medicine would describe as “cancerous activity” in the body that leads to a cancer diagnosis within 1 to 2 years after the event. 

He also established that once the conflict/shock is resolved through psychotherapy, the body reverses this process and spontaneously heals itself. This reversal causes a remission phase in which the damage is repaired and the individual returns to good health.

Hamer says that a biological-conflict-shock is not an abstract Freudian term. It is a real-life internal experience of an inescapable conflict/shock that is both biological and psychological and is experienced as very acute, traumatic, and usually isolating because it is not easy to discuss or mull over with others. 

This biological-shock-conflict event also does not allow a person any time to prepare for it. Even a few seconds of preparation, Hamer says, could lessen the impact of the event—as, in Hamer’s case, the expected death of a loved one.           

Typically, the shock is life threatening, contains fear-inducing news, and traps a person in a life-or-death situation not of his or her choosing from which there is no escape. Biological-conflict-shocks exist throughout the animal kingdom. If an animal experiences a biological-conflict-shock, it usually related to a concrete event. It can be choking on a morsel of food, have an obstruction in the intestine, or be facing a life- or procreative-threatening injury.

Biological-conflict-shocks have special meaning for humans because we have the capacity for symbolic thinking. Therefore, after experiencing the kind biological-conflict-shock that the Hamer had experienced, the shock registers first in the dermal layer of the brain. Then at the precise point in the dermal layer where the shock registers, a set of concentric rings form. He calls these rings a “Hamer Focus” or HH. 

These rings are visible in a computerized tomography (CT) scan. The organ that is controlled by that specific part of the brain then begins to change. This change can manifest as a tumor, as tissue loss, or as a loss of function.

Hamer’s research also indicated that even getting a diagnosis of cancer can cause the brain to register another HH that affects a different emotional center in the brain than the one affected by the initial shock. 

An example of this effect shows up in two recent large randomized trials that indicate labeling someone as a “cancer patient” and doing cancer screenings contributes to doubling the lifetime risk of getting prostate cancer (Brawley, O., Ankerst, D. & Thompson, I., July/Aug 2009, p. 264–273). 

One of the authors, Dr. Otis Brawley, the top medical official at the American Cancer Society, points out that men who are given the label of “cancer patient” suffer many emotional conflicts related to the negative consequences of this diagnosis, such as possible loss of sexual functioning, impact upon the ability to earn a living, and cost or availability of health insurance. He also estimates a 50% over diagnosis of prostate cancer and calls for an end to unnecessary prostate screenings.

Hamer says the organ in the body where a tumor begins to grow is related to an unresolved emotional conflict that gets triggered during the biological-conflict-shock event. When we have an unexpected conflict/shock that does not get resolved, the emotional reflex center (the HH center) in the brain that corresponds to the unexpressed emotions, such as anger, frustration, or grief, slowly breaks down. 

Each of the emotional centers in the brain is connected to a specific organ. When an emotional center in the brain connected to a particular organ breaks down, it begins sending inaccurate information to the organ or tissues it controls, causing it to create deformed cells in its tissues—cancer cells.

Hamer further discovered that the nature and content of the unresolved conflict determines which mindbody program gets initiated following the conflict/shock. The types of tumors that subsequently develop have symbolic meanings that reflect the nature of the unresolved internal conflict/shock. 

Emotional conflicts involving swallowing, for example, symbolically express “I can't accept this, I can't swallow it,” and are related to cancers of the esophagus. A person’s inability to obtain sustenance; to express feelings of uncontrollable anger; to accept experiences involving of a loss of territory, a lay-off at work, or a dismissal; or a separation from a child or partner all involve conflicts that have biological analogies that are expressed symbolically in different organs of the body. 

We've organized information from the Learning GNM website into a chart that describes the symbolic meaning. Click her to Download GNM Chart.

References

Markolin, C. (2010). New German Medicine. http://learninggnm.com/documents/gnm_articles___introduction.html

Reno Integrative Medical Center (2010). New Biological Medicine. Retrieved from http://www.renointegrativemedicalcenter.com/german-biological-medicine.html

Brawley, O., Ankerst, D. & Thompson, I., (2009). Screening for prostate cancer, CA: Cancer Journal for Clinicians, 59(4) 264–273.  (2009, July/Aug). Retrieved from http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/cgi-bin/fulltext/122477069/HTMLSTART

Dr. Ryke Hamer's German New Medicine

A German physician named Ryke Hamer, formerly of the Universities of Munich and Tubingen in Germany, has conducted what we believe to be the most significant and pertinent research on the effects of shock on the mindbody. 

Dr. Hamer describes his paradigm in his groundbreaking book, Summary of the New Medicine (2000), which is unfortunately out of print. The most current information on his work can be found on his official English language website in an updated article titled, German New Medicine (Markolin, 2010).           

Dr. Hamer’s research led him to conclude that there is no such thing as a “disease” and what we have called diseases are the body trying to heal itself naturally from the effects of an inescapable conflict/shock within two years of the onset of symptoms. His conclusions could overturn the way modern allopathic medicine looks at illness. 

This post, based on information from the website mentioned above and cited below, summarizes his findings and his Five Biological Laws that help explain what he believes happens to our mindbody when we are faced with an unresolved inescapable conflict/shock.  Please consult http://learninggnm.com for more detailed information on his approach.

Hamer’s research began on a very personal note with the tragic shooting and eventual death of his son, Dirk. Then Hamer’s wife subsequently developed breast cancer and died. It was after her death and after he was diagnosed with testicular cancer that he made the connection between these tragic events and his and his wife’s illnesses.

As a medical doctor, scientific researcher, and head internist of an oncology clinic in Munich, Dr. Hamer was in a position to conduct research on his hypothesis that a physical or emotional event within 1 to 2 years of the onset of a cancer diagnosis can create a biological-conflict-shock, which he calls a DHS (Dirk Hamer Syndrome, after his son who was killed). 

This DHS manifests in a visible physical event in the brain that then causes measurable changes in organs and tissues of the body. Hamer says that a DHS is always the first step in the development of so-called cancerous growths, ulcerations, necroses, and functional disturbances in specific organs of the body.

You can find his theory described in more detail in posts that list his Five Biological Laws. 

The Reno Integrative Medical Center has been conducting research in this country about Dr. Hamer’s theories since 2006. They concluded the following: 

“After having received some initial training and applying these concepts to our patients for several months we were confronted with an abundant amount of empirical evidence supporting Hamer’s ideas.  Our most basic assumptions regarding cancer had been incorrect!  This paradigm turns conventional medicine and even much of alternative medicine on its head, but once an understanding of the process is grasped, it points the way in terms of choosing various diagnostic or therapeutic interventions.” (Reno Integrative Medical Center, 2010)

Training in Hamer’s approach is offered In Canada and in Europe, but not currently in the U. S. You can find information on these trainings at the New German Medicine web site listed in the references below. 

References

Markolin, C. (2010). New German Medicine. http://learninggnm.com/documents/gnm_articles___introduction.html

Reno Integrative Medical Center (2010). New Biological Medicine.  Retrieved from: http://www.renointegrativemedicalcenter.com/german-biological-medicine.html

Healing Your Betrayals

While betrayals happen to everyone, not everyone learns from them. Some people seem to endure many betrayals before any learning occurs. The point where you no longer need to repeat negative experiences is known as grace. 

The next time you encounter a betrayal, ask: "What lesson do I need to learn here? How can this betrayal help me expand my consciousness?" If you are able to quickly identify the lesson, then the experience can move through your life in an affirming way. 

It helps to know which choices keep us from learning the lesson of a betrayal. These are known as "sterile choices."

Sterile choices such as revenge, denial, splitting, cynicism, paranoia and self-betrayal never support the resolution of intractable conflicts involving betrayal traumas. Only by understanding the patterns of betrayal trauma can behavior really be changed. Being willing to see betrayers as players sent from central casting to act in a betrayal drama, casts them as allies or friends helping you to clear earlier betrayal traumas. 

Betrayal can be used to learn more about yourself and to increase your consciousness. Rather than splitting or making another sterile choice, ask, "What other options were available to me in that situation? Is it still possible to use them?" Here are some suggestions for using betrayal experiences as opportunities for growth.

Do a Perception Check. The first choice to begin making more effective responses to betrayal involves a perception check with the assumed betrayer as part of an attempt to resolve the conflict. Ask this person, “Are you aware that I felt betrayed by your behavior? Was it your intention in what you did (describe objectively the person’s behavior) to betray my trust of you? I feel hurt and angry as a result and what I need from you is for you to treat me with more respect, and what I want from you is for you to agree to treat me with more respect in the future and to apologize to me for what you did. Are you willing to do that?”  

This person may not even recognize his or her behavior as a betrayal, so your questions can provide that person with new awareness about both of you. This direct communication is critical because it can stop the unfolding of drama triangle dynamics in your relationship.

Look for Patterns of Betrayal. The second healthy choice is to look for patterns of betrayal. Barry describes how this was helpful for him:

One day I made a chronological list of my major betrayals. Three or four pages later I began to see a pattern of betrayals involving certain kinds of women, and I identified the recurring themes. I thought, "Oh my God! This has been going on most of my life." These patterns had been there much longer than I realized. 

Then I looked at what was not finished about each betrayal. In each instance, I was able to identify the unlearned lesson that kept recycling. You may want to complete the betrayal writing exercise at the end of the chapter to help you recognize your patterns of betrayal.

In another post under this category you will find a skill practice exercise to help you recognize your patterns of betrayal.

Learn Compassion for Yourself and Others. The third step is to learn compassion for yourself and others during a betrayal trauma. Betrayal usually involves some misperception on your part about the other person or distorted perceptions related to an earlier developmental trauma and unmet developmental needs. 

If you have not done a perception check with the other person, your misperceptions may be creating a narrowly focused picture that allows you to disregard significant information about a person. A betrayal tells you that perhaps your image of this person was too narrow or restricted and that you overlooked things about that person in order to maintain some illusion of him or her. 

This is usually related to some unmet developmental needs or some unhealed developmental trauma. This critical step in your awareness will help you move beyond any internal splits and open yourself to connection and reciprocity with this person again.

Redefine Betrayal. The fourth healthy choice is to redefine betrayal as an opportunity to expand your consciousness. The real question is, "Who is the betrayer in this situation?" The truth is, you probably betrayed yourself by creating a distorted view of the other person based on some unmet needs or earlier unhealed developmental trauma. 

Perhaps you wanted to see that person in a certain way, hoping to heal your wounds related to an earlier betrayal trauma. People are usually not the way you would like them to be, so we have positive projections on them and don’t see their shortcomings. 

They may have some qualities that you like and some that you don't like. They are trustworthy in some situations and may not be so in others. 

Barry remembers confronting this in a therapy group:

A group member said to me, "I really trust you." I recognized the presence of a positive projection and challenged the statement: "I may not be totally trustworthy. What makes you so sure that I'm totally trustworthy?" This question got the person thinking. Then I said to this person, "Don't expect me to be totally trustworthy. 

You may end up feeling disappointed and then angry because I didn't live up to your expectations. I need to have a  relationship with you where I have permission to be human. While I will always strive to do my best, I know that I am not perfect. I feel this is more realistic than you expecting me to be a perfect therapist. Are you willing to agree to see me this way?"

By reframing your experiences of betrayal, you may be able to return to the person who has betrayed you and say to that person, "I now realize that I gave you a lot of power by making you totally responsible for betraying me. I see that I also had some responsibility in creating the betrayal. I had unrealistic expectations of you because I did not want to see all of you. 

I want to acknowledge that I don’t now see you as all bad and that I can see your good qualities as well." Toxic shame or feelings of pride often prevent people from making these kinds of amends. Pride is a defense against feeling shame. If you see a person exhibiting a lot of pride, know that underneath the pride is a lot of hidden shame.

Forgiving Someone Who Has Betrayed You

In the throes of a betrayal, it may seem impossible to even think about forgiveness. You may feel as though your heart has been broken and that you can never even be close to your betrayer again. This initial reaction is a normal part of the grief process that accompanies any betrayal experiences. Once the anger stage of the grief process passes and you move toward acceptance of the betrayal, you can begin to think about forgiveness.

Compassionate forgiveness can help you heal accumulations of past physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual wounds from previous betrayals and other kinds of developmental trauma. It can also help you open your heart again so that you can begin rebuilding the fracture in your relationship. 

The goal is to repair the trust, empathy, reciprocity, and love you once had with this person. However, your motive for wanting to forgive should not be to help the other person. It should be about helping yourself and freeing yourself of the anger and resentment that can, if not healed, continue to hurt your body and mind.

Weinhold and Andresen (1979) wrote, "Forgiveness is basic to all change and growth." The tension from self-judgment and judging others produces a chronic level of stress in your body that depresses your immune system and causes illness (Borysenko, 1996). 

You have the power to end this kind of destructive cycle by moving beyond the acceptance stage of grieving and work toward forgiving your betrayer and yourself. Forgiveness is a attitude that only sets the forgiver free.

The healthiest choice in a betrayal trauma is to forgive yourself and the other person for creating the betrayal situation. The word forgive is often misunderstood. To some people, it means to rise above your feelings or to deny or passively condone the act of betrayal. To forgive actually means to "give back, give before, or for-give." 

What are you willing to give back or take back in a betrayal situation? What responsibility do you have in this betrayal? This approach will help you give back or take back your projections and misperceptions about the other person's behavior. You may find the other person feels shocked to hear your perceptions about them or the situation.

Perhaps you were not fully truthful with the other person in ways that contributed to his or her misperceptions about you. Perhaps you need to give back the full truth to this person. You may also have unconsciously set up the betrayal by pretending to like something the other person said or did, when in truth you didn't like it.

Compassion is a companion tool to forgiveness. Both are necessary for clearing betrayal traumas. Compassion doesn't necessarily help the person who betrayed you, but it will surely help you heal your own wounds. If you cannot feel compassion for those who betray you, you may continue to draw people into your life that play into your pattern of betrayal.

To heal your developmental traumas and stresses related to betrayals, it is important to practice compassion toward yourself. An excellent way to develop self-compassion is to eliminate the word mistake from your vocabulary. 

Mistakes imply judgment and failure, that something went wrong, and that you or someone else is bad, all of which can create intrapsychic splitting. A more compassionate framework is to see everything, including your betrayal traumas, as learning experiences rather than as mistakes.

Learning how to heal your developmental traumas and stresses involves you in the process of discovery, exploration, and adventure, all of which are fun and exciting. When you try something new and it turns out the way that you expected, you probably don’t learn very much. 

Rather, it just reinforces your previous learning. When you try something new and it turns out to be different  from what you expected, you have an opportunity to learn something new. This unexpected turn of events stimulates your thinking, activates your curiosity, and promotes more exploration and discovery. An attitude of learning fosters synthesis or unitive thinking and increased self-esteem, which help immensely in being able to move on. 

References

Borysenko, J. (1996) Seventy times seven: On the spiritual art of forgiveness. Audiotape, Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

Weinhold, B. & Andresen, G. (1979). Threads: Unraveling the mysteries of adult life. New York: Richard Marek Publishers.

Identifying Your Relational Betrayals & Responses

In our recent book, Conflict Resolution: The Partnership Way, ( 2009, pp. 161-172), we discuss one of the most universal human experiences: betrayal trauma. Betrayal experiences create a special kind of developmental trauma and stress. 

They often begin in early childhood when you placed all your trust in your parents and other caregiving adults, anticipating that they would be perfect caregivers, see your essence, honor your innocence, appreciate your uniqueness, and meet your needs in a timely manner. When your parents were unable to do so, you felt betrayed.

Our experience indicates that all people have betrayals of some kind during their lives. Our first childhood betrayals often begin in early infancy. We perceived our parents and others as divine and trusted them to treat us with respect. However, your mother or father may have looked at you, perhaps while feeding you, failed to see your divine nature, and saw instead their own unfulfilled wishes and dreams. In this situation, they may have used you as a tool for meeting their own unmet needs  This is how the process of invalidating our divine nature begins.

We eventually discover that our parents are not divine beings but mortal humans with faults and problems. This realization can trigger feelings of betrayal and damage if not break primal trust in the relationship.  In our adult relationships we attempt to recreate this experience of primal trust and use it as a criterion for determining the relationship’s worth, so we get betrayed again and learn that our partners are just ordinary human beings like our parents. 

In the middle of conflicts they say and do things that activate memories of unhealed betrayal trauma. We feel profoundly disappointed, lost, and hopeless that we will ever find someone who can mirror our divine self so we can recover it.

The research on human potential indicates that most people use only a small percent of their inherent capacities. They are so richly over-endowed that very few even begin to understand how much unused potential they really have at their disposal. In fact, Einstein, who was considered the epitome of mental giants, reportedly wept just before his death when he contemplated the fact that he had used so little of his own potential.

Betrayal trauma, as a form of developmental trauma or stress, plays a major role in the loss of human potential, particularly the loss of innocence in early childhood. Each time parents or other adults fail to see, accept, and understand a child, they chip away at the child’s sense of Self.  It is helpful to look at when, how, where, and by whom you might have been betrayed as a child in order to recover your split-off parts, restore your full connection to your essence, and reclaim the vision of your true potential.

Typical Responses To Betrayal

James Hillman (1975), in a very penetrating article about betrayal, writes about the choices people typically make when they feel betrayed. He believes that most people make what he calls "sterile choices" that prevent them from learning from their betrayals.  

Here are Hillman's descriptions of each of these choices:

Revenge.  People often feel a very strong desire to get even with the persons who betray them. When someone says or does something hurtful, the immediate impulse may be to get revenge. Hillman says that this choice is the most common response and the one that creates the least amount of growth in consciousness. Seeking revenge and getting even mean placing the focus on what other people did or didn't do or say; this response allows you to avoid looking at yourself in order to expand your awareness.

Splitting. People in intimate relationships who are unable to maintain their internal object constancy or sense of self often resort to splitting against themselves or others. Triggered by post-traumatic stimuli from the past, they may feel regressed, and then make either himself or herself or the other person the "bad guy." This kind of split immediately activates automatic flight/fight/freeze behavioral responses. Splitting responses to a betrayal may indicate a need for trauma reduction therapies and/or individual counseling that focuses on developmental trauma during the first three years of life.

Denial. A third choice in a betrayal situation is to deny the value of the other person. This choice may also involve splitting, or making a person once perceived as "all good" into someone now perceived as "all bad." It's surprising how quickly this defense mechanism can be activated, often with little awareness. By placing all the blame on the betrayer you may miss important learning about the real source of the betrayal as a reenactment experience of some earlier betrayal trauma.

Cynicism. This easy choice may be the disease of contemporary times. It is easy for people to get cynical because of their inabilities to stop reenacting their betrayal traumas and the subsequent lack of understanding of the patterns inherent in them. Cynicism is often called broken idealism and if only seen this way, that perspective prevents any serious look at how any previous betrayals may have led up to the current one. Cynicism, again, doesn't lead to much growth or awareness.

Paranoia. Paranoia, or a lack of trust of the betrayer, is another common response to betrayal. Someone who was betrayed and hurt in a loving, trusting relationship may require that people pass a lot of tests before they are allowed to get close again. Paranoia also leads to very little growth. 

It requires a lot of time to constantly monitor the other person's behavior to determine if he or she is passing some trustworthiness tests. Rather than focusing on the source of the betrayal or the patterns being reenacted in the relationship, paranoia is another way of avoiding self-scrutiny.

Self-Betrayal. The final sterile choice, according to Hillman, involves the betrayal of one's own self. The inner response to a betrayal might be, "How could I have been so stupid!" Such responses often include a self-judgment about the risks that were taken. 

Rather than seeing the risk-taking as a potential for learning, it becomes classified as a mistake that is used for self-judgment and disempowerment. In another post is a skill practice exercise designed to help you identify your patterns of betrayal that could have caused you to have unhealed developmental trauma or stress.