Unless you have been living in a cave somewhere, you are aware of how unsustainable our world has become. Reports by scientists on the short and long term effects of global warming and global climate change say humanity’s very existence may be threatened.
James Lovelock, the scientist who introduced the “Gaia hypothesis,” said recently that he does not think that humanity will be able to slow or prevent global climate change. He believes that humanity still functions as a tribal or co-dependent society that is unable to act for the greater good. Our consciousness, he says, has not evolved at the same pace as our technological progress, and that makes him pessimistic about our future.
In order to survive as a species, we believe that sustainable personal relationships are the critical element needed to design, build, and maintain new sustainable social structures. Much of the world currently is in a cycle of social breakdown with increases in domestic violence, child abuse, school shootings, violent regional religious and ethnic conflicts and international wars, which Lovelock says will get worse.
In our book, Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap, we present an overview of Developmental Systems Theory (DST) that helps explain why this is happening and what to do about it. DST looks at the evolution all human systems: couples, families, schools, churches, businesses, governmental organizations and nation-states and shows the parallel processes between couple and family relationships and larger human systems. It describes a four stage optimal model of human evolution (co-dependent, counter-dependent, independent and interdependent) and the essential developmental processes that must be completed in each stage in order to advance evolution in that system.
During the co-dependent stage of development, the process focuses on secure bonding. The critical process of the counter-development stage involves separating emotionally and psychologically from your parents. If properly supported, these two important developmental milestones should be completed by age three.
The most common reason why these developmental processes are not completed is unidentified and unhealed developmental traumas in early childhood caused by subtle relational disconnects between parent and child that prevent or disrupt emotional attunement during the first three years of life. These unhealed traumas are then carried into adult relationships.
Because of these unhealed traumas from early childhood, most people are still using co-dependent and counter-dependent behaviors and defenses from an earlier tribal stage of evolution. This makes it difficult to build sustainable relationships that require among other things intimacy, interdependence, cooperation, conflict resolution and the ability to regulate one’s emotions.
What Are Sustainable Relationships?
Sustainable relationships advance both individual and collective consciousness. In them, people acknowledge they have unhealed developmental traumas from childhood and agree to help each other to heal them. They commit to staying together during the healing process and to resolving conflicts that are rooted in these old traumas. Each person agrees to focus on understanding and changing themselves, rather than changing their partner. They take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors and give help only when it is asked for.
Sustainable relationships are based on principles of interdependence, cooperation, partnership and mutuality. They require people with a commitment to growth and change, a strong sense of Self, well-defined personalities, small egos, compassionate hearts and humanitarian ideals. In sustainable relationships, a central focus is helping each other change co-dependent behaviors, with each person taking responsibility for changing his/her own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
During conflicts, partners become more conscious by recognizing each other as mirrors that reflect unseen parts of themselves. This shifts the context of the relationship from adversarial to cooperative and reframes conflict as an opportunity for personal growth and increased intimacy. This context for sustainable personal relationships moves people from co-dependent, tribal behavior to the interdependent, collaborative behavior needed to solve our global crisis.
In the 1960s, there was a collective push towards personal independence and individualism in intimate relationships. This led to the next wave of personal growth in the late 1980s with the co-dependency movement, which grew out of the addictions recovery movement. While it helped build awareness about the constraints of co-dependent relationships, it also presented co-dependency as a relationship disease. Those who desired a love relationship were often labeled as “sick.” It was called a “love addiction.”
Our approach differs greatly from this orientation. We have long recognized co-dependency as the result of a failure to complete key developmental processes in childhood that can be completed later in conscious, committed relationships. Our books describe this positive, hopeful approach to personal change, with two-thirds of each book providing practical tools for transforming your relationships.
The Dysfunctional Society
In both our books, Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap and The Flight From Intimacy, we describe the role of the dominator model of relationship in creating dysfunctional societies. Dominator societies use as a foundation co-dependent and counter-dependent behaviors to create a hierarchical ranking of different social, racial, ethnic, gender, economic, political and religious groups. This encourages “us vs. them” categories that keep people creating intractable conflicts with each other. No one in the dominator culture is really free as everyone gets to be both the dominator and the dominated.
The dominator form of relationship is dying and is being replaced by new relationship structures based on partnership, sustainability and interdependence. Much of this social movement is being driven by large numbers of individuals, couples and families who want their relationships to be healthier and more emotionally supportive than those of their parents and grandparents.
Developing a Self is now an important personal value—one that motivates people to break free of both co-dependent and counter-dependent behaviors. It is not possible to build new, sustainable structures without the break down of the old dominator social, economic, political, and religious structures. The important thing is to recognize that both the breakdown and the breakthrough are happening simultaneously.
In the break through process, people heal their developmental traumas as a way to advance their consciousness. Otherwise they will unconsciously attempt to use co-dependent and counter-dependent behaviors to build new social structures. In order to address the global issues facing us as a species, we must advance our consciousness through new tools that include empathy, conflict resolution, emotional self-regulation, self-reflection, self-responsibility and cooperation.
New Tools for Building Sustainable Relationships
We believe, as Lovelock does, that sustainable intimate relationships are essential for humanity to survive as a species and to cope with global climate change, political chaos, economic breakdown and religious fragmentation. While building sustainable relationships isn’t rocket science, it does require following a set of blueprints or guidelines. Here are some tools that we have used build our relationship and with our clients.
• Be willing to ask for what you want directly from those who have it to give one hundred percent of the time. You will know you have learned this skill when you can ask for what you want directly and people will be delighted to give to you.
• Forgive those who may have wounded you in childhood. You are not hurting them by staying anger at them, only yourself. Your choice is to stay angry or to grow up.
• Become more aware of your co-dependent behaviors and their causes through reading books, attending therapy or support groups.
• Identify and heal your developmental traumas. Our books will help you with that task.
• Risk changing yourself and your relationships so that you can break free of the co-dependency trap.
To listen to us talk more about relationships, you can download this mp3 file of an interview with Patricia Raskin on her "Positive Living" radio show,
" Download raskin041408.mp3 (1556.0K)
To watch our videos on Building Sustainable Relationships on this website in the CATEGORIES section of the left navigation bar, or visit our YouTube channel theweinholds at: http://www.youtube.com/user/theweinholds
James Lovelock, the scientist who introduced the “Gaia hypothesis,” said recently that he does not think that humanity will be able to slow or prevent global climate change. He believes that humanity still functions as a tribal or co-dependent society that is unable to act for the greater good.
Posted by: Experience the Big Apple | 09/22/2010 at 10:59 AM