Conflict Resolution: The Partnership Way (2009)
By Barry K. Weinhold & Janae B. Weinhold
A speaker at the recent New Year's television program, the American Millennium, said it well: The 1900's had to do with the affirmation of freedom; the 2000 millennium will need to focus on how we responsibly use that freedom. That is what Barry and Janae Weinhold do in their book, Conflict Resolution: The Partnership Way. They go beyond merely trying to prevent conflict to emphasizing how to use conflict constructively.
For me, a striking contribution of the book to the profession of counseling lies in its attempt to relate various counseling theories to conflict resolution. But beyond that, I like its basic premise made at the beginning that "the natural state of the universe is peaceful interdependence." This gives the book a positive emphasis, rather than merely a reactive focus as it identifies unmet developmental needs as a primary course of the competitive, aggressive nature of humans. It is assumed that conflict is an ineffective effort by humans to prove their worth and get their needs met. The next step in the evolution of human species, believe the authors, is helping all people get their needs met so that they can live peacefully and interdependently. In fact, they state, "peaceful interdependency now becomes an evolutionary necessity." This is done accomplished primarily by reframing conflict from a negative to a positive experience and by giving people the tools to resolve their conflicts in partnership ways.
The Partnership Way is built on an eclectic framework, which includes cognitive-behavioral theories, humanistic theories, psychodynamic theories, systems theories, transpersonal theories, and chaos theories, which are synthesized into their own “Developmental Systems Theory.” The writers have identified seven systemic levels, the developmental tasks for each level, the needs that must be met to complete these tasks, and the common dysfunctional behaviors associated with not meeting these tasks. This is an important taxonomy to us all better understand the systemic nature of conflict.
The book advocates building the partnership relationships that facilitate reciprocity, unity, mutuality, and cooperation. The book is not simply a theoretical effort but was born out of the personal experiences of the Weinholds who have walked the Way in their own personal and professional relationships and from their experiences in teaching a graduate course in conflict resolution.
Early in the book, the Weinholds explain the nature of post-traumatic stress disorders and the addictive nature of adrenaline. They point out that unprocessed developmental traumas create intractable conflicts and may be the single most significant factor in recycling intractable conflicts, and may occur even though the person has no memory of the original traumatic events. They believe that kindness and compassion are essential in combating unhealed trauma as well as trauma reduction tools that they have developed. A PTSD Inventory, a Family-of-Origin Risk Analysis Self-Inventory, and an Addiction to Adrenaline Inventory are included to aid in understanding the role of unhealed trauma in our lives.
The Partnership Way uses critical questions throughout the book designed to help readers experience deeper reflections and more focused action in resolving their conflicts This takes them on a journey through the mysteries of conflict and helps them to embrace conflict as an opportunity for personal growth. This reframe encourages readers to be less judgmental, and to become more kind and compassionate toward themselves and others so that they can have more authentic and reciprocal relationships.
Perhaps, most importantly, is the fact that the Weinholds give examples of how they have applied the materials in the book in their personal lives. This is not just a theoretical book; it is a confession and disclosure of their personal caring and warmth as human beings. Herein, they invite the reader to assess their own personal style of conflict resolution and to identify the strengths and weaknesses of that style. Thus, they too may come to experience cooperative, partnering resolutions to their own conflicts. This is essential as a prerequisite to their becoming teachers or counselors of conflict resolution.
The book is designed to facilitate a transformative process in the reader, to assist him/her to advance to a higher level of consciousness beyond thinking in abstractions, to think holistically, to see relationships between current conflicts, and to change restricting patterns in their lives. The Partnership Way particularly focuses on "intractable" conflicts, those "stubborn and persistent conflicts that recycle and recur over and over in people's lives." These conflicts recur within individuals and between countries, religious and ethnic groups, and families
After explaining the developmental sources of intractable conflicts through the codependent, independent, and interdependent stages of human development, the Weinholds explain how a person can resolve these conflicts at their source. Breaking free of the “drama triangle” so that readers can unify splits in their consciousness does this. Then, they explain how the Partnership Way can be used to resolve conflicts in intimate relationships by reframing relationship conflicts and shifting into a cooperative framework.
In dealing with the role of betrayal in intractable conflicts, the Weinholds point out that children are born with the innate potential of divinity, but little by little they lose awareness of their divinity and the ability to express the gifts of evolution and thus feel betrayed. They suggest reframing betrayal in such a way that if practiced widely would revolutionize the world.
The Partnership Ways also shows how the evolution of communities and cultures follows a developmental stage model similar to that of individuals, couples, families, and organizations. The Weinholds cap off their expansive book by explaining how the Partnership Way can be used to accelerate the evolution of the human species. The Weinholds believe that the Drama Triangle dynamics are the predominant relationship dynamic in all human social systems. They show how human evolution parallels the development of the individual and the next stage of human development will parallel the interdependent stage of individual development. They take us through the early co-dependent stage of human development where societies were governed by feminine beliefs, values and deities and through the counter-dependent stage focused on a male god and the divine masculine to the independent and interdependent stages of human development.
We are now entering into a period that honors androgyny--the union of masculine and feminine energies. It is a time of union of opposites bringing together the dark and the light, the conscious and the unconscious, so that splits in consciousness may be healed. The use of a mandorla, or a story that balances maleness and femaleness at all levels, calls for a new vision for resolving conflicts between men and women. We are all locked in an archetypal struggle to separate from the mother. By learning to resolve conflicts in a partnership way, shadow aspects can be integrated into a safe, committed, loving relationship. There is an emphasis in this book on diversity, inclusion, cooperation, and sharing.
What makes this book so wonderful is its reflection of the lives of Barry and Janae Weinhold. I feel honored as they authentically confess their journey of transformation, which they explain in the concluding chapter. They have, indeed, gone a long, long way in completing the journey by mastering their inner and outer worlds, which has enabled them to develop the Partnership Way, which they have shared with us.
The Reviewer: Thomas Elmore, Ph.D. is Professor Emeritus of Counselor Education from Wake Forest University at Winston-Salem, North Carolina where he was director of counselor education for 28 of his 34-year tenure. During his career as a counselor educator, he also served as president of many professional organizations, including the North Carolina Counseling Association, the North Carolina Vocational Guidance Association and the Southern division of the Association for Counselor Educators and Supervisors. In 1982-83 he served as President of the National Association for Counselor Educators and Supervisors.
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